It’s been months that I haven’t written anything in here because for some reason, I get anxious whenever I write something here. However, I felt the need to vent out my feelings today because of what happened these past few days.
Two days ago, I received a news reporting that one of the most amazing KPOP idol that I know of, suddenly passed away. He committed suicide because depression is consuming his life. He was depressed yet no one knows that it was serious. His friends, family, fans – none of them knew, none of US knew.
His name is Jonghyun from a great KPOP group called Shinee and he is known for his charismatic smile, amazing vocals and the songs he wrote for other artists as well as for him. I remember him being goofy and happy when I watch him on variety shows which makes the hosts get more comfortable with him and that makes a lot of people happy. As someone who has been following the KPOP craze for the past few years, I know that he is famous worldwide as an amazing korean vocalist and songwriter and this should make him feel accomplished and joyful but the pain and the emptiness inside him is overpowering these achievements and bliss. He has been writing songs about being engulfed with a certain sadness and sorrow as if he is crying for help but nobody listened to it deeply. I, myself, am guilty of it.
When I received the news that he was dead, I was shell-shocked because I have heard that he had a successful concert days and was even preparing for his comeback. I did not cry during that time as I was still trying to update myself with the news about him as if I was waiting for someone to say that it was just a prank. But when his friend publicly shared a letter a few hours after that it was confirmed saying that it was something that Jonghyun wishes for people to see when he dies, I bawled upon reading that he suffered alone and even blaming himself on what he is feeling. It hurts that it’s late for us to lend our hands and support him in the time that he needed someone the most.
A few months back, one of my idols also committed suicide (Chester BEnnington, Linkin Park) and another favorite kpop idol of mine, almost ended his life too whether be it an attempt or not (T.O.P., Bigbang) and I can’t help myself from asking “Why?”. How do they come up with the certain idea that killing themselves is a better solution? I guess despite the fame, fortune and everything that a person has, there is still a void in their life that nobody can complete it but them. But how can this void be stocked with something when they don’t have the energy and will to do it. I guess we’ll never know.
For someone who suffers anxiety problems most of the time which sometimes cause sadness and emotions that cannot be explained at times, I felt that what I am going through is already something serious, so how much more, them – those who have depression. When you are on the verge of falling on a cliff, would you be able to stop yourself from falling? I think not. I may not understand what Jonghyun was fully going through but I knew that he felt alone and that itself, is sad, because he has a lot of people that loved him so much and that did not stop him to kill himself. If he only turned.
I’m just glad that these days, I have a good and clear mind although I still overthink about a lot of things but that’s another story to tell. This sudden passing of one of my favorite artists made me realize a lot of things. One, you need to listen and I mean listen not only with your ears but with all your heart, soul, and mind whenever someone asks you advice or help. Two, see not only with your eyes but with your heart. Look out for each other’s backs always. Three, a good mental state is important and no matter how much work or problems you have, you need to take a break. Four, stop the hate. No matter who you are and where you come from, you don’t have the right to bash others. You don’t know what they are going through. Spread love. Lastly, don’t stop living. Remember that whatever you are going through, you can still come out alive. And if anyone wants to talk, you can always go to me.
Dear Jonghyun, you have lived well no matter what the circumstances were. Wherever you are right now, I hope your are happy and singing with the angels. You deserve everything and please remember that you are loved.